Confessions of a baby.
I woke up today at six in the morning. Early of course. Only the hours in the house did not sleep. Cats twitched their paws in their sleep, my mother was also sleeping. She smiled in her sleep and looked like a little girl. And now I'm an adult. Since yesterday. Yes Yes! Yesterday I became big and wise!
It was a difficult day yesterday, oh, difficult.
Going through the events, my soul was filled with both golden joy and rusty sadness. Everything that had recently stirred the soul flashed in my memory.
It was a long time ago, many months ago. Then I felt uncomfortable. My heart was beating above my head, but, despite my youth, there was no spring ringing and songs in it ....
And sometimes my heart would begin to beat faster, and I would hear a soft cry. I felt sorry for her, this young girl, because she shared her life force with me.
At night, she curled up into a ball and propped up my head with her legs, and I was silent, I knew that it was easier for her that way.
How could I help her? Only humility.
Through the muddy shell of the abdomen, I compared her with other pot-bellied young women who loudly squealed about some kind of diapers, undershirts and stroked their bellies all the time. SHE never stroked me. She didn't love me...
I understood this at the age of 5 months ... Ask why I didn’t understand before? Yes, she was probably small and stupid.
Well, as long as it doesn't kick out completely. Where will I go? It's still early for me...
Sometimes, with thin but tenacious fingers, SHE pressed her stomach and, clinging to the wide bones, I went cold with fear.
So we lived for seven months. Among all the sounds that penetrated the womb, I liked the music the most. I started to turn my head to the beat and kick my legs. I also liked it when my mistress ate pickles. I love them even now.
It was already warm, the sun was persistently warming from all sides, when something bitter and suffocating burned me. This went on for a whole week. I did not sleep at all, I was afraid to move again. I knew it was time to leave. And not because it's time, but because SHE is tired.
And why is this happening to me? Maybe I'm not the only one!
It started at night. Now I think that all the worst and worst things happen at night. It became difficult for me to move, and deafening screams flew into my ears. It became unbearably stuffy. Having lost all patience, I decided: come what may, I will leave here. I so wanted to take a breath of fresh air.
The bitter taste of cinchona was still burning in my throat when someone grabbed my shoulder.
Finally, a deft hand grabbed my neck, and a bright light splashed into my eyes. That's it! How bright it is here! And people are funny! All in white, even the face is not visible. One eye blinks.
I didn't even know what to do. They looked at me point-blank, said something, and I decided to shout! I've wanted to scream for so long! And along with the cry came the cry. It turns out that crying is so good!
I was rubbed with a soft ball of cotton wool and wrapped in a diaper. It became warm. She didn't take me with her. She turned away!!!
“Probably it should be,” I thought.
And I never saw her again.
There were two of us in the room, both girls. My name was Katya. Women said that I was born on the day of St. Catherine. I didn’t know what the other one’s name was, I only heard that she came from Udmurtia. But why isn't she coming back?
Where is the girl that carried in her stomach?
The Udmurt was silent all the time, but I so wanted to talk! And I still chatted, or rather roamed with myself.
One night I got hot.
I called HER... Someone was bending over me, turning me from side to side, and soon I felt like I was pricked. No, it didn't hurt. It was embarrassing.
I was placed in a glass box and, waking me up quietly, the doctor applied a metal contraption to my chest and back, after warming it at my wrist. I don’t remember how long it lasted, but it turns out that everything has its end.
I soon felt better.
My legs ached a little more from the injections when I met the sun. It looked into our room and seemed to want to say something.
“Wait,” I whispered to him, “I have something to think about. We'll talk tomorrow."
I noticed how a poplar branch blossomed at the window and was proud of its delicate green leaves. Winking, the sun moved to another window, and I fell asleep.
They came, as usual, after the second bottle of milk.
A plump woman in a flowery sweater peeked out from behind the doctors. She stepped forward, and red tulips flared in front of my eyes. So beautiful!
What is this to me?! Thank you!
Listening to the doctor, she stroked my hands and head with a smile.
“Look, how nice,” I remarked. The fat woman approached the Udmurt woman and began to examine her. Hm! Why is she taking so long? I don't like it! I began to fiddle with displeasure, and she was again near.
“That's it,” I calmed down, “and there's nothing to run!”
Now we see each other every day!
But one day she came early. She dressed me in a new vest, wrapped me in a blanket and said:
- Well, Katyusha, good luck?
And we went to visit her. And why did all the doctors look after us? I still don't understand!
Everything here was beautiful! The fat woman carried me in her arms and showed me something!
I especially liked the two fluffy toys that ran and meowed. They looked at me and sniffed my scent.
“For the mustache, or what, pull them? Come on, next time, if I come, of course.
Three months have passed and I have not been taken back.
“Probably so!” I thought.
The fat woman was running around somewhere, telling something to her girlfriends who had come, and most importantly, when it got dark, she sang songs to me, such quiet ones.
I broke out in a fever again at night.
Through the veil of oblivion, I saw some doctors, then others.
I didn't like them. And not because they gave injections, but because they wanted to take him to the hospital again.
Pulling me close to her, my plump woman said decisively:
"NO! We stay at home!
Here are those on! Turns out this is my house!
Kneeling almost all night, she wiped me with a wet diaper and wept softly.
Oh, how I wanted to feel sorry for her!
That's when I realized - she loves me!
Months have passed. We lived together.
The fat woman amused me, showing me how ducklings quack, how geese cackle, and told tales from colorful books. But for several days now I have been thinking about one thing: “What should I call her?”
It was an ordinary morning. Our house smelled deliciously of apple jam. She stood with her back to me and sorted through the diapers.
Taking a breath, I exhaled: “MOM!!!”
She rushed to me and, covering me with kisses, dropped large peas of tears.
She is crying! She's still funny to me!
Touching her face, I quietly, completely inaudible, slightly moving my lips, added: “I LOVE YOU!!!”.
Phone call. 2am.
- Hi. I love you.
- Hi (smiles).
- How are you without me? Sorry it's so late...
- Never mind. Leshka, I missed you so much, when will you arrive?
- The sun, there is just a little bit left, just a couple of hours and I'm at home. Let's talk, otherwise I've been driving for 10 hours, I'm tired, I have no strength, and your voice invigorates me and gives me strength.
- Of course, let's talk. Come on, tell me how your business trip ended? Cheated on me, probably (smiles)?
- Lyubanya, how can you joke like that, I love you so much that I don’t even look at anyone. And at work I managed to do a lot, a lot. I am sure that after all this I will at least raise my salary. Here. And how do you feel? Is our baby pushing?
- Pushing ... this is not enough to say, I don’t understand what I did to him. And, you know, usually, when I hear your voice, it is calmness itself, but now something, on the contrary, has dispersed. Why did you decide to go into the night? I would have rested, but I was driving, otherwise ... Tell me how you left.
- Well, how, how: after the last negotiations, I got into the car, drove to the hotel for things and moved towards the house. Somewhere in the second half of the journey, an hour and a half ago, don't worry, I switched off, but just for a couple of seconds. Everything is fine, thank God, but feeling tired again, I decided to call you so as not to fall asleep again.
“So how can I not worry? Wait a second, the city is calling. At a time like this, who could it be? Wait a second.
- Sotnikova Love?
- Yes. Who is it?
- Senior Sergeant Klimov. Sorry it's so late, we found a car that was in an accident. According to the documents, the person inside is Aleksey Valeryevich Sotnikov. Is this your husband?
- Yes. But that can't be, I'm just talking to him on my cell phone right now.
- Hello, Lyosha. Lyosha, answer! They tell me that you've crashed. Hello! In response, only a slightly audible hiss of the speaker.
- Ale. I'm sorry, but I actually just talked to him.
“Sorry, but that's not possible. The medical expert stated that death occurred about an hour and a half ago. I'm really sorry. Excuse me, we need you to come for identification. How much you need to love and want to return home in order not to notice death ...
Every April 15, she and her son visit him at the cemetery. Alyoshka is an exact copy of his father. And he often says: "Hi, I love you" - this was his dad's favorite expression. He knows that his parents loved each other very much, he knows that his parents were looking forward to his appearance, he loves them very much. And also, every time he comes to the cemetery with his mother, he approaches the stove, hugs it as much as he can and says: “Hi, dad” and starts telling how he is doing, how he built a house out of cubes, how he drew a cat, how he scored his the first goal, as he loves and helps his mother. Luba constantly, looking at her son, smiles and tears run down her cheek ... A young handsome guy smiles from a gray gravestone, as before. He will always be 23 years old. Thanks to the master, who even conveyed the expression of his beloved eyes. From below, she asked to make an inscription: “You left forever, but not from my heart ...” His cell phone was never found at the scene of the accident and she expects that someday he will definitely call her again ..
I want to tell the sad story of my love. My story includes all sorts of details, so if you are too lazy to read, then don’t read it ... I just want to speak out, not to my girlfriend, to anyone .. but here, now .. just write about it. So…
Once upon a time, almost 4 years ago, I met a guy ... We fell in love with each other very much. We were just crazy in love. We could not live without each other even a day, he loved me like no one else did. I loved him the way no one loved him. We breathed this love, we lived it. We were happy.. we were very happy! There were no halves.. We were one! Soon we began to live together. We were always there ... I liked him to cook and even he liked to cook for me.
I never thought that it happens like this .. that it can all be so alive, so real. He was the closest, dearest, only, beloved. Eh ... for a long time you can describe everything that I felt, everything that he felt, that we felt together. But you know how it happens ... we were together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week ... every day and we missed each other, despite such closeness, we constantly missed us. Over time, you begin to realize that something bright is missing in your life.
You know, when this period passes, euphoria and you are already so used to a person that it seems to you that he will not go anywhere, here he is next to you ... it should be so, but how else .. he is with you for almost 4 years, you became attached to him, very much, too much .. and he simply cannot help but be around. And he--he feels the same, he thinks the same. And then you start to hate him... hate him for all sorts of stupid reasons.
Because he sits at the computer, because he watches TV, because he doesn’t give you flowers, because he doesn’t want to go for a walk ... and I’m generally afraid to remember money issues. And he--he also hated me. You can not imagine the most terrible this love that turned into hatred! And now being alone in this apartment in which we lived for 4 years, only now I understand how stupid it is, it's just ridiculous, what have we done, what have we turned us into and where is this happiness?
We broke up a little over 2 months ago. It happened when it all became unbearable. When not seeing each other for a whole day, we already started to quarrel from the doorway. Just because of some little things that were worth nothing in this life. In the last month of our relationship, it was clear to both of us that this would all be over soon. When we sat in the evenings in different corners, each doing his own thing, on his own wave, but we had one atmosphere.
The atmosphere of negativity that filled us, that was already flowing through our veins. Then I signed up for dancing in order to somehow distract myself, diversify my life, and indeed I wanted to for a long time and thought that it was just the right time. And somehow I got very involved in them, that I didn’t really care what was happening between us, that our relationship was dying.
I had a new environment, all our mutual friends became of little interest to me. I was all about dancing. I'm just a fan. And this happens to everyone ... you understand that there is no longer any sense when you do not even try to fix something, when you see that he does not do anything for this either. That he doesn't care, that he doesn't care either.
Before, we tried to sort things out. And then they were simply blown away, and probably both he and I had already lost strength ... we no longer had the strength or desire to change anything. This moment has come ... the last straw, his last cry, and it was like I was hit in the head .. so sharply.
I told him that we need to talk. It was my initiative .. I said that I don’t want anything else, that I want to leave ... he said that he had been thinking about it for a week now. A long conversation, tears, lump, sediment ... and nothing more, the next day he moved out. It's hard... yes it was hard. And of course you understand. We broke up, but we still had common problems that we needed to solve. We continued to swear, all because of these problems, which are now worth nothing.
Then we started talking, I just don’t know how, you can’t call friends, acquaintances either. He just sometimes came, drank tea, talked about everything. About work, about dancing, about everything but not about us. We just talked. I found a new job, I have new friends, dancing, I only came home to sleep. I was fine and so was he. I no longer suffered and did not want to return to him. He also reconciled. This is how 2 months passed.
And then a situation occurs that killed me, killed me and everything that was left alive in me. His brother calls me and offers to meet and discuss something. I didn’t have a second thought, because I communicated normally with his brother and didn’t even pay attention that he had recently begun to write to me on VKontakte very often.
We meet and he starts ... - You see, I treat you very well, I don’t like everything that happens, I’m afraid that everything will go too far and therefore I want to tell you everything .. He found another. He found her 10 days after you broke up.
“I know you don’t like to hear all this now, but I decided that you should know everything.” And he really likes her, her photo is on his desktop, he takes care of her like that .. they constantly see each other. And as soon as he said to me, the first two words - he has a different one, it was like a bomb exploded in my chest. I can't adequately describe how much it hurt. This is very painful. It's cruel. And I broke... I was killed, I was destroyed. For two nights I sobbed in bed without getting up.
Two days was killed at work. How bad it was. How this com pressed me. Just destroyed. I realized that I still love him, that I can’t live, breathe without this person, that I need him ... that he is my everything. And at the same time, I hated him now because he forgot me so quickly and found a replacement. It's hard to write about this..
And a few days later my girlfriend calls me, she is our mutual girlfriend .. and after talking with her. I felt like I was down to earth. A stone fell from my soul, although I did not fully believe this whole story. She told me that she had a heart-to-heart talk with him. And that this brother of his, invented everything ... there is nothing of this. That he appreciates me and what was between us. That he really loved me, that he was happy with me and now remembers only good things. Well.. it always is..
And with his brother, they quarreled very strongly and I don’t know for what purpose, somehow to annoy him, he decided to come up with just such a story. I don’t know where the truth really is ... but I don’t think that a guy could fall in love with another like this in a week and forget everything that happened between us.
He loved me very much ... and was ready for anything for me. He once saved my life .. but I will not talk about that. I don't know.. really... yes, I felt better after talking with my girlfriend, a little easier.. but from that moment, after his brother's call, everything in my life went downhill. He seemed to destroy my peace, or ... I don’t know what to call it .. but I really felt good. I even got used to it already without him ... it was easy for me. And he broke everything.
And every day after that, just killed me. I lost my job, I lost people who were close to me ... Everyone around was cruel to me, everyone accused me of something .. every day they just finished me off. And you know ... the biggest loss happened quite recently, I lost him for the second time, I lost him forever! He will never come back to me...
It was raining, I was going to the dance.. broken, completely killed, destroyed, crushed.. I was going to the dance. I didn’t want to do anything, not to dance, not to see the people I wanted to see all the time .. but I knew that now I simply have to go there, through force, through myself ... I simply have to go, not to think about anything, about anyone , just dance .. dance and nothing more. And I was able ... I suppressed everything, all weakness, I was able ... I danced, yes ... but for the first time it was so disgusting for me, I wanted to kill everyone who was there, I was sick of everyone, I wanted to run away from there! How so ... after all, I can’t live without it anymore ... dancing is my everything, but I was sick of everything.
And in the locker room, I just couldn’t stand this pressure in my chest, I broke down completely .. I called him, why .. how could I .. I called him and offered to see him ... I really needed to talk to him! After all, he is the person to whom I could tell everything, absolutely ... I really needed to talk to him.
I wasn't going to return it.. I just wanted to talk. It continued to rain ... no, it was a terrible downpour .. I sat at the bus stop and waited for him. I was waiting for him ... and he came, he sat next to me, lit a cigarette and was silent, and I did not say anything ... and we just sat and were silent for several minutes. I tried to say something, but as if I had taken water in my mouth .. I didn’t know where to start.
Then he said - so we will be silent? And I immediately felt cruelty ... cruelty in his voice, in words, cruelty inside him ... cruelty and composure. He continued to say something, and in his every word there was dryness and indifference. He said that it was easier for him to live that way, that it was necessary, and that he advised me the same. Some kind of horror.
Then I spoke .. I talked for a long time and cried about what was happening in my life .. I could no longer hold on ... I was as if defeated, I cried all the time, it was raining and it was getting dark, I did not take off my sunglasses ... it was already dark and I did not take them off ... there was a terrible pain under them. But he remained cruel and said that tears were not needed.
And I just started to choke, my head hurt ... my whole face was swollen, I probably looked very sorry ... but I didn’t care. And at some point he could no longer hold on and hugged me. So tightly and hugged, pressed to himself - well, what are you ... everything will be fine, stop it. He hugged me and stroked my hair, and then there was some clouding of reason. I didn't want to say it... it wasn't me anymore. I just couldn't be stopped!
- “I love you, we can fix everything, we did stupid things ... I need you, I need you, I know .. you feel bad too, come back to me, we can fix everything, we wanted a wedding, a family, children ... You told me that I'm for life! Let's just forgive each other for everything now .. and start from a new leaf, change, do everything to save us!
When he began to speak, I did not believe a single word of his - “I’m sorry, yes ... I felt bad, I had depression, I didn’t know how to live ... but I suppressed all my feelings, I don’t love you anymore, there’s nothing to save, I do not love you!" I didn't want to believe it.. I didn't believe it.. I didn't believe that in 2 months you can forget 4 years of relationship! But he continued to say: “I treat you well, I appreciate you as a little man, I loved you and was happy with you! And I thank you for this time!”
I could not calm down, he hugged me and said these words .. words that destroyed me from the inside, that killed me in me. Who devoured me and left nothing in me! It doesn’t happen like that ... it doesn’t happen like that ... he loved me, he loved me very much, he was ready for anything for me ... And now he says: “I don’t feel anything now, I’m sorry, but I’m sincere with you.”
And then there was nothing left in me .. I got up and went .. I don’t know where, why, but he followed me and said something else. I remember that he said that he offended me very much, and that I probably would not communicate with him again. I remember that he would like to be my friend or not communicate at all, but not be enemies ...
And the downpour continued to go, and I didn’t see anything, I walked through the mud through the puddles, and he followed me ... I stopped somewhere, he asked me to go home, let me go, and I just stood there and slowly died ... It was death, the real one .. I was no more. Then I turned around and told him for the last time how much I needed him ... and he said "I'm sorry" and left.
He left... just left, leaving me alone in this state, at night, in the rain on the street... alone. How could he? Once he was afraid to let me out two meters into the store at night, he was very afraid for me .. and now he left me there and left ... leaving nothing behind. I don't know how long I stood there.. what I felt was death... really... death... I was killed, I'm no longer alive.
For a week I couldn’t move away, didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, scored on everything ... then I was fired from work ... I don’t have the strength to dance ... I’m not just energetically squeezed out, I’m no longer alive. How can I come to terms with this and move on, I have no idea. I do not want anything…
I could not understand how he could leave me there alone ... after he saved my life once. I couldn't believe it. And I got it into my head ... that such is not forgiven, that I hate him for it, although in reality ... everything is not so. And yesterday I found out that he followed me to the very entrance, until he was convinced that I had gone home. A friend told me about it, he asked me not to talk about it, but you know .. this is a girlfriend .. and I got even worse, I was drawn to him even more .. but nothing more will happen .. I died ..
post is death...
Death. . .
Today I saw "death"... It was real... the most cruel and cold-blooded. The death of something real, something alive.. it was a murder... Someone was killed.. maybe it was me.. I don't know... maybe now I'm gone. It's probably not me now. It happens… it happens all of a sudden, when you don’t expect a blow at all, when you stand firmly on your feet and feel confident, confident in yourself and your strengths! And then just bang ... And you no longer feel anything .. only a sharp pain, muffled by a state of shock and the smell of death.
And then loss of consciousness, clouding of mind ... and you try to restore fragments, words, faces ... But there is fog in your head, you need to remember something important, but there is fog everywhere ... and then it happens that all this rigmarole in your head is no longer makes no sense..
Everything has already been decided for you! We decided that you need to forget everything .. at that very place, at that very moment, just forget and come to terms with some truth that you don’t even remember. Remain the same as you were left in that very place .. at that very moment! And there .. just standing there .. you understand that everything has passed, that everything has really passed .. that now no one cares about your safety. And you continue to stand there and kill in yourself all the weakness, all the fears, all the pain and all the insults ...
You kill all the feelings in yourself, all this fucking anomaly ... You kill yourself in yourself .. Probably, this is how we become cruel. But what then, excuse me, is the price of these feelings, which are suppressed by the desire to be cold-blooded?
It was very difficult to tell ... as if I experienced it all over again ...
reflections
We broke up. So it happened.
What can we say, when it can be equated with death.
The person has left your life. And there will be no more, no longer wants ... imagine he finds a new love,
and you sit and understand that you made plans, that you loved to the ends of your hair.
And comes
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